At 21 years old, I knew exactly who I was. I was a young Christian woman, commissioned by god to share his universal truth with the entire world. I was set apart to be pure in a world where sinfulness and sensuality reigned. When facing god at the end of my life, he would judge my worthiness to enter eternal rest by the strength of my genuine attachment to him and the amount of work I have done for his kingdom. This work encompassed the aforementioned preaching and converting of the spiritually lost masses and extreme commitment to celibacy, sobriety, and purity in all things. I essentially lived as a nun without ever stepping foot in a convent or taking holy orders.
I used to think that I was quite open-minded and easy going compared to stricter Christian groups like Catholics or Apostolic Pentecostals. I wore pants, makeup, cut my hair, talked to boys, and never went to confession, but I was living just as strictly as I imagined other Christian groups lived. It is difficult to pinpoint exactly why I considered myself a liberated Christian woman, but I suppose it must be the nature of living under a cult’s influence. One thinks they know the absolute truth but they are unaware of what truth is. It might shock the Christians who read this post, but I do indeed believe Christianity to be a cult most of the time. Only when highly freestyle and rid of extremely organized leadership can Christianity be somewhat healthy and supportive.
While I was a Christian, my entire worth came from my religion. I was nothing without god, and would be nothing should I choose to leave the faith. Leaving the faith is akin to giving yourself to the devil, rejecting life (which only comes from god), and resigning yourself to an eternity of torment in the fires of hell. Before becoming a Christian, my life was allegedly void of light and truth; I was consumed by demonic darkness. god as a purely holy being could not look upon me without disgust because my sin was extremely repugnant. And yet they say that God loves you with a love that puts others to shame. That type of love sounds exactly like domestic violence and abuse. If someone says you’re filthy but they can clean you and that only through them can you be happy and live a worthy life, run away. FAST!
As a Christian, my life became worthy and had a defined purpose. Living for god gave me a continual purpose that would never dry out because there was always work to be done. If you thought you finished serving god, you were wrong and arrogant. In India, I taught English and ministered to young people, a missional task that many Christians do not accomplish. Yet when I returned, my work was not complete. I searched my mind and heart for further spiritual tasks the lord wanted me to do. I considered teaching English to immigrants, working with teens with emotional and mental health issues, rejoining the international mission field, or starting a bible study at my church.
With no clear method of beginning any of this work, I started seminary online, absolutely sure that god wanted me to become a minister. I could not see myself preaching on stage or running a church, but I did imagine sitting at a sick or dying person’s bedside and comforting them during their hour of immense need and despair. At some point in my Christian life, I considered living on the mission field for the rest of my life, completely committing myself to the poor and lost. Or as my last and final abusive church put it, “the least, the last, and the lost.” Fuck those self-righteous assholes and their white savior complex.
I currently have several Master’s level seminary credits under my belt and no faith to show for it; I am an absolute heathen. After leaving Christianity in summer 2021, I took a few months to begin healing from the extensive religious trauma I endured throughout most of my life. Several months on, I have not begun to scratch beyond the surface of that trauma, but I have made a start.
Apart from Christianity, I do not know who I am or what I want out of my life. If I am not living for god, who do I live for? Myself? Christianity told me this was sinful and to be avoided. For others? How can I live for anyone other than myself when no one would live for me? At this point in my life I believe everyone’s main focus is themselves but that is not necessarily wrong. We are biologically designed to seek our own survival and to give sacrificially when we are in deep relationship with others/when we feel we have enough to give. Life is hard and I’m not going to judge someone whose main focus is their own life.
If we don’t take care of ourselves, who will?
After giving my life for the cult’s disposal and desires, I am starting to begin self-actualization. I feel as if I were in college again, yearning to try new things that once were denied me, like sex and sexuality. Although while I was in college, I lived as a little nun and refused myself everything I wanted. I want to learn to burlesque dance and explore my sexual side with hot men. I want to work a job I actually enjoy and not worry about the eternal significance of it. A job can just be a job and if it’s fun and pays well, what’s the fucking problem? Not everything has to be so serious and thankfully, the world is not mine to save.
Para Kajol 
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