To the Christian Friends I’ve Lost

I’m a heathen; I no longer believe in God. Several months ago I shared a post about how I am no longer a Christian, but that I still believed in Christ to a certain extent and definitely in a creator. Now I do not believe at all. I’ve seen this process memeified on Instagram and TikTok where fellow exvangelicals share that progressive Christianity is a slippery slope to ex-Christian to still believing in a high power to agnostic or atheist. My beliefs at the moment would likely be called atheist ideas, but maybe in a few months I’ll hold space for the possibility of a creator and be an agnostic instead.

To those I shared Christian life with over the course of a decade, I am certain that this information is shocking and disturbing. For those of you who believe in hell, this is terrifying. I can see it now: the exact words flying across your mind as you digest my words. “Oh no! If she dies before she repents, she’s going to hell!” “She has backslidden so much that God has given her over to the devil!” “How could she become so blinded to the truth? What has the enemy done to her mind to deceive her in this way?” “The Bible does say that believers will turn away from the truth in the final days, and I guess she is one of those believers who will not make it in the end days.” “She’s just saying these things because she wants to sin. Sin has changed her thinking and corrupted her, forcing her to choose the devil over God.”

Relax, people. Relax. If I do die and go into a pit of eternal torment at God’s sentencing, I would at least take comfort in the knowledge that I did not worship a God who continually and permanently tortured humans because of their humanity. I’m not sure if that thought would provide serious comfort as I continue to burn and suffer eternal torment, but it might help.

Because I no longer believe in God or gods and am neither religiously nor spiritually inclined at the moment, I have very little in common with the Christian friends from my former life. I can no longer pray with them at all, let alone pray for basic Christian things like healing and forgiveness of sins. We can no longer talk about spiritual warfare and habitual sin, because I think it’s all a myth. I can’t be their accountability partner for masturbation or porn issues because I don’t think masturbation or ethical porn consumption is wrong. This list can go on and on, encompassing each aspect of Christian doctrine, but I have no desire to break down each harmful and abusive theological concept. I simply no longer care. I have run out of cares to give and do not feel the need to rationalize my disbelief or attempt to provide Christians with the answers they do not want to hear.

If Christians want to hear an alternative worldview, there are multiple sources online that offer the information they need to hear. This post is not meant to provide that information. These words merely reflect the bittersweet feelings that accompany leaving a cultish religion. I no longer feel shackled by Christianity, but I also cannot connect on a spiritual level with my Christian friends anymore. I am free to explore my sexuality and ethics apart from religion, but I can’t chat with my Christian girlfriends about sex, pleasure, masturbation, and ethical porn. While I am free, I do not want to make my Christian girlfriends uncomfortable with my freedom. This is a controversial take and not one I’d advocate for anyone other than myself.

To the Christian friends I’ve lost, I miss the conversations we shared, the community we developed, and the bond we had. But I don’t miss Christianity, and have no regrets about my departure. If you want to talk about harmful and abusive theology within Christianity, please come to me. If I can’t help with your questions, I can refer you to someone who can. I know this life isn’t for everyone and that not everyone can leave their cultish religion. But most of my Christian friends I met in college are heathens just like me; we have all become free. There is freedom from Christianity’s shackles, once you realize that this religion is not liberating after all.